The divorce is not truly over until the children are either self supporting and/or married. The time remaining for your contact with your ex or ex-to-be may still be extensive. The two of you, as parents, will continue to have an ongoing interaction and hopefully the dynamic that destroyed your marriage will be disregarded for one that fosters effective co-parenting. The most valuable contribution to the well being of children emanating from divorce will be the validation of the other parent as being essential in their lives. You will have to find a way to co-parent if you want to minimize the trauma of divorce and the ongoing emotional detriment of your children.
Co-parenting involves different forms of shared custody, legal and/or physical, notwithstanding the percentage of time the child spends with each parent. Your co-parenting will involve co-operation and support around education, homework, discipline, milestones, transitions, proms, school permissions, sport, religious choices, calendar clashes, coordinating times and events, mitzvahs, confirmations, college decisions and tuition fees, weddings and graduations; (to name but a few…)
This can be overwhelming. There are solutions to all potential co-parenting maladies and many of these can be pre-empted and provided for as guidelines and rules in your written Co-parenting Plan.
All Co-parenting Plans will have similar clauses on basic and time tested issues, and these are all subject to negotiation between the parents. There will also be issues specific to your case and it is very important to raise these in mediation so they can be explored with clauses drafted based on your agreement. Your agreement may, as long as both agree, include some of mediator’s recommendations; as often mediators will suggest compromises or offer creative solutions.
When looking at examples of issues that arise, the answer to these questions and solutions suggested, depend entirely on the specifics of the family and the custodial situation:
1) How do we maintain discipline and continuity in two homes?
2) How should we deal with our homework during a split week?
3) What if each Parent wants child to attend a school or church for different religions?
4) Clothes!! ? Lunch Box!!? Back-Pack!!? – who what how where and when…
5) Disparaging remarks about the other Parent in presence of children;
6) Medical issues – one wants to use traditional medicine, the favors herbal alternatives;
7) What about little league on my weekends?
8) Who pays for extra curricular activities?
9) What about allowances?
10) College… expense;
11) Vacations and trips abroad;
12) And much more…..
Even if you think because you are getting along now that you do not need such a Plan, remember the emotional and extraneous relationship climate is ever-changing. Such a plan will help with eventualities providing default scenarios which may always change as long as there is mutual agreement. Your plan will provide built in flexibility.
Here at Private Courts we are experts at navigating these waters and even work to dredge up the ships that have already sunk!
Divorce is difficult for all the family, good parenting involves serious anger management on all sides. You will succeed if you acknowledge each other as an integral part of your child's life and if you can transition by closing the door on your marriage with the understanding that you are, in essence, entering into a new relationship, that being a co-parenting relationship.
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