Divorce, if concluded with dignity, could turn out to be an opportunity to redefine one's relationship from spouses to co-parents.
Ultimately as time goes by you will probably realize that the children are better off with the love of happy parents than the trauma of a fighting couple, who by virtue of their animosity are inessence failing in their parenting.
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Children and Divorce
Your children will need your help more than ever during divorce and its resulting transitions. This may be an enormous task for you, especially because you are anxious, sad and angry. The negative impact of divorce on your children is, to some extent, within your control. Place their needs at the fore by following some basic guidelines. It is very important to explain the divorce to your children with reassurance and compassion. Children need the truth and it should be given in a blame free way. It is usually a good idea for the parents to plan how they are going to tell their kids and to do it together:
THE EXPLANATION: Parents should tell the children together whenever possible. This is the best way to provide reassurance. Honesty is essential. Take cognizance of your child’s personality and individual needs and make sure you have all the support you need in place. Validate your child’s feelings by saying it is okay to be sad. Explain that it is not their fault and that the failure of the marriage is between Mom and Dad only. They are not at fault. This needs to be repeated often, for years. They need to witness your respect toward each other as disparaging statements can impact their self esteem. There is no need for blame. There is every need for reassurance. “Mom and Dad will love you the same; we will always be there for you when you need us; we will be living separately, and you will be with both of us consistently and regularly.” Encourage questions and listen carefully. Therapeutic support is always helpful. This can be done through Art Therapy, counseling and workshops.
THE PITFALLS AND TIPS: Divorce is traumatic and will rock your child’s world. There are many things you, as a parent, can do to mitigate the potential for harm. The impact on your child will include fear of abandonment, loss, change, and parental sadness and tension. Make it easier for them by:
Refrain from talking to others about the divorce within ear shot of the children.
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Be patient, listen and be observant and take the time to respond to their needs.
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Address changes in behavior, anger, school problems as soon as they manifest.
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Instead of denial take action to help your children.
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Children can be embarrassed and ashamed of a divorce status. It is helpful to attend workshops with other kids. Arguing with your ex in front of children is unacceptable. If communications are sensitive email may help improve the atmosphere.
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Show respect for each other - remember your kids love both parents;
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Be adults and behave as your kids will learn to model your behavior;
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Maintain your dignity;
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Teach your children that conflict can be resolved by settling your divorce amicably;
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Place co-parenting at the fore;
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Parents should keep each other posted of all important occurrences, share information and work hard to make decisions together;
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Avoid bringing your personal issues and power plays into this decision making process;
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Both parents should stay fully involved in their lives;
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There should be consistent and similar plans for discipline and routine in both households Be reliable and always on time, as lateness can be a trigger for your child’s fears;
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Do not rely on kids for emotional support; and
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Do not compromise your discipline and routine standards, out of guilt.
The impact of divorce on your child depends almost entirely on how you, the parents, conduct yourselves during the process. While you may not be able to save your marriage, it is possible to end it with integrity.
415. 488.1611
nathan@privatecourts.com
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| Thank you to those who advocate for children |
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| FAMILY LAW, INTERNATIONAL LAW
In re Marriage of Paillier, No E038464 (Cal. 4th App. Dist. October 31, 2006)
In case involving French decree giving child custody to mother, visitation rights to father, and French injunction against mother moving away with the child, followed by mother moving from France to California with the child, trial court's order that the child be returned to France or else the father would obtain sole legal and physical custody, is reversed as it violated the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act by changing custody, and by ordering that the mother not move away with the child.
http://login.findlaw.com/scripts/callaw?dest=ca/caapp4th/slip/2006/e038464.html
http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/data2/californiastatecases/e038464.pdf
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Custody cases and articles of interest will appear from time to time on this page. There are constant changes and news, so feel free to flag this page and visit as often as you would like. If you need CUSTODY MEDIATION, during separation, divorce or post-divorce, please call 415. 464.9918 or email Melanie Nathan, Mediator.
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